OSOMD
It becomes obvious in long-distance relationships that there is a flaw in the make-up of the male half. Three out of every four girlfriends (Note: all of these figures and statistics are patently false as they are based on four examples, not hundreds and are tweaked by this pseudo-scientist's opinion and bias) will sit at home and wait for the all important call/e-mail. According to research, after two weeks of 0 communications, the human male
1. Has no access whatsoever to technology such as phones and the internet.
2. Has chopped off all of his fingers in a freak accident with power windows, therefore making him unable to use these appendages to send communications.
3. Has fallen into a deep coma it will take precisely four years to fall out of. Or...
4. Has selective amnesia.
My theory is concurrent with the fourth example. It is obvious that members of the opposite sex clearly have OSOMD..."Out of sight, out of mind" disorder. It is clearly hormonal, and can only be controlled with medicine, for this disorder occurs as the logical result of long distance separation. Without the image and
presence of their partner bombarding their brains, males soon develop a "memory block" which prevents them from remembering their girlfriends for increasingly longer periods of
time.
It certainly not the fault of the bearer of this disorder, any more than a schizophrenic is at fault for hearing voices. However, there are a few techniques women can use to persuade their far-flung suitors to remember to keep in contact.
1. Heavy doses of MM-- memory medication. This stimulates the hormones controlling memory, allowing him to remember he has a girlfriend. The downsides...having him cry on someone else's shoulder because he just remembered he didn't get a tricycle when he was two.
2. Tattooing your name in an appropriate spot. The forehead and genitalia are the best places for this, according to a "New Science" poll. Just remember it has to be backward if it's on the forehead in order to be read in the mirror, and upside down if it's on the genitalia.
3. Lastly, there's the computer-enhanced photograph of your new, fictional boob-job that you sent to him as a screen saver. Every time he even touches his computer, he will remember your existence and feel a great need to "communicate" with you.
Good luck with these techniques, and remember, you're not the only one suffering.
From the desk of Dr. Saskatchewan Wilder, pH D.on't